I started writing this review literally within an hour of learning that a friend and old student of mine had died. It was like therapy for me. I have had to come back to it and tweak it a bit. It was probably too raw. 2 months or so down the track and I’m going to give it another go.
In the last 2 months since my friend died (he graduated from being a student to a friend), we have had so much going on. The Shed is the busiest it’s ever been, the events we have on are at an all-time high, I’m travelling more and more, and the girls are more busy than ever doing what they do, and you have to try and clone yourself sometimes to make it all work.
That’s a good thing – right?
Back to my mate. One of the major issues I have been wrestling with over the last 2 months is guilt. I think guilt can take a number of forms, and I think some of these are good and some not so good. I don’t get guilty over having a burger anymore, as there’s far more important shit in the world to get upset about.
I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but when you are involved working with people for over 20 years and dealing with new people on a day to day basis, you can’t possibly keep up with all these people’s lives. Our parents don’t understand this. My mum still does her 5 or so calls to her close family and friends every fortnight or so to see what they are doing, but with social media especially now we are connecting with more and more people than ever. Man, I have people send me messages on Facebook and Instagram from across the world I have never met and may never meet in my life. That’s how it works now.
So……… How do you stop the guilt?? I don’t know. The reason I have guilt (which transfers into regret)? Is this guy was at one point a guy I spoke to EVERY DAY and was so close to. It was at a time when our club was small, and the 20 or so people that trained there were such a tight and solid unit. We all knew everything about each other.
Or so we thought….
We talk about friends on Facebook, and people having hundreds and even thousands, this guy had 41…… Again, 41….. I was so lucky to be one of them. That is taking your friends seriously. I admire that. Maybe I need to start taking it as seriously as my mate did. He got it. I think for him it was quality over quantity.
Getting to know his family more and more over the last 2 months, I’ve been told that he was always watching what I was doing and commenting on it and admiring how far we had come. I would see too that he had liked my posts, and I would like the little he would put on there. That was as much as I would do though. I wasn’t being rude, I was just BUSY……. We all are aren’t we? You can’t talk to everybody every day can you?
The regret I have is that I had not reached out to my mate for nearly 3 years. Just not even shot him a message and asked him how he was. It would have been so simple to do, but I didn’t. I was busy. Just busy.
I’ve been describing him to people as a “kid” I used to train in Zen Do Kai. This “kid” was not actually a kid, but only about 8 years younger than me, so when I was initially training him he was in High School, and a mountain of a man….. He was a pleasure to train and truly passionate about what he did.
And funny….. Man he was funny…… There was one night in particular we had. Just one of those spontaneous “have a couple of beers” nights that escalates really bloody quickly. I’d actually forgotten about it till I was reminded of it, but now it’s etched in my brain. Shit that was an awesome evening. I have been constantly coming back to it in my head.
He came back for a while and did some Jiu Jitsu with me. I have looked back at that message thread he sent a thousand times since he passed away. He was asking me if it was ok to come back. I responded by telling him he had made my bloody day. He only did a few months, and drifted away again, and I never really chased him to come back. Why didn’t I do that? I was busy….
Where am I going with all of this?? As I have said, you CAN’T save everyone. I know that now than ever, but you still CAN try.
Define “TRY”….
Yes, we ask people if they are ok, but we just go that little bit further. Someone told me once that is sometimes the worst thing you can say. He’s right. Just make them aware you are thinking of them. We STOP being all worked up and wrapped up in our own worlds, and maybe put ourselves in other people’s shoes, and we walk a bloody mile. To me this is the part where we go wrong. MAJOR POINT… We understand that we are not the only people that may be doing it tough sometimes. Stop and take a breath.
ANOTHER MAJOR POINT….. When people want to help you – LET THEM.
Be prepared though….. Sometimes they will not want your help, answer your messages, or take your advice. That’s par for the course. You tried. That is the main thing. Don’t try to over analyze the way they are thinking, because a lot of the time it could not be any more irrational. It’s not a tally sheet, it’s just trying to save someone every day. Sometimes a response isn’t necessary either. They now know you are thinking about them.
I have had the “misfortune” of having had to deal with a number of family and friends dying over the years. It’s horrible, and it never gets easier. You don’t get used to it. It gets harder. This one has knocked me around to the point where I keep saying to my wife “why is this one really hitting me so hard?” I think about this kid every day, and I have had a lot of sleepless nights trying to nut it all out, but I know I will never get the answers, and I can’t turn back the clock, as much as I wish I could.
The “fortune” of this situation – I have lost a student and a friend, BUT, I have gained one back (and that is so cool). I have made a new friend that I know will stay my friend for many years to come. I have met two wonderful little humans who I am going to make sure I stay in their lives as they will need all the help they can get in the coming years.
And I have had people come forward and support me, people that saw I was struggling (I still am), and they helped me, for which I will ALWAYS be eternally grateful.
There is good in everything. You just need to look for it. It’s there – trust me.
You can’t save everybody, but you sure (as hell) can try. To use the word “try” means you may fail, so be prepared for that, but you need to try.
That’s all you can do.
Rest in peace Chongo. I’m gonna miss you mate.
#cma4life
